What the French, Toast?

As far as the opposite gender goes, I believe I lack the strength of character to make advances. It’s not that I couldn’t develop it, it’s that I’m scared to develop it. What if I fall flat on my face? What if they think I’m creepy? What if I am creepy?!

The most recent endeavor took place this past evening, where I found myself seated next to a handsome young man during a server training course. He would smile, and pick up several of the ID cards that had been dispersed amongst the tables, and lean in my direction to point out the unique features of an authentic identification.

“See that? ‘Minnesota’ is written horizontally in small type. See where it’s misspelled?”

I’d smile and nod, hardly gutsy enough to make eye contact (an act that I have always contended with), and we’d both go back to pretending we were paying attention. 

During a 10-minute bout of silence that was the break in lecture, I stared blankly ahead. What does one say? Hi? You smell good? I like your shoes?

A simple, “So where do you serve?” would have done in this scenario, but I didn’t want to seem too keen right off the bat. I firmly believe that mystery is a beautiful thing (and frustrating, as others would argue), so I instead took my established route of saying nothing. Being awkward. Wondering if it would take me a nose stud, tramp stamp, and some sort of absurdly low cut shirt and/or whale tail to assure myself that I, too, could be easy — I just don’t want to be. Ever.

There is much of this going on in my life right now. Relationships, problematically peeled open and left to linger. Wishy-washy bygones, ambiguous connections and tension — lots of tension. 

I don’t know why I’ve been thinking of it so often lately. It’s as if I must remind myself, I want to get attached. I want to share my life with someone in particular, every aspect and action with demure, honesty, righteousness. True, I desire these things, and would I give a fortune to have them this moment? True, I would.

I am in constant reminder of the importance that I stay true to myself, and find someone that sees allure in all that I am. This, I am learning, will take time and frustration, large hits of awkwardness and the occasional face plant (a event comparable in humiliation to having your fly unzipped for a lengthy amount of time). (Trust me, I would know.)

But really, what if they think I’m creepy?

Over-analyzation, over and out.