1. I am your mom, and your dad is your dad.
2. Going to church doesn’t make you a better person, but singing in church does.
3. There is a reason why God put side mirrors on vehicles: to rip them off when pulling in or out of the garage.
4. You can never put too much pepper on your food, but you can put too much food on your pepper.
5. If you wear flip flops in the winter, you are an idiot.
6. You need no reason to give a cookie platter — and a recipient will never turn one down.
7. Thongs are not real underwear, just glamorized string.
8. Label, label, label.
9. Expiration dates are only suggestions of when food should be consumed, and not mandatory.
10. There is really no need to use any noise above a whisper.
11. Dog is Mom’s best friend, and long walks and table scraps are in the contract.
12. Always keep track of the time, but never be punctual.
13. A person can never receive too many cards in the mail…
14. …and they can never have too many stamps on them.
15. Put Velveeta cheese in anything, and it will taste good.
16. It is okay to answer the door without a bra on, as long as you make sure that your company knows it.
17. When returning from a shopping trip, never let Dad see the bags.
18. Giving buzz cuts to the males of the family is cheaper than any barber around, so long as they’re okay with a few nicks.
19. Caffeine after 7 p.m is absolutely unacceptable,
20. soda is Satan’s venom,
21. ice tea keeps your coat shiny.
22. Always brush your furry teeth at night, and again in the morning. Your breath is potentially fatal.
23. If I can’t sew it, you don’t need it (but I can sew anything).
24. Jeans make your mid-section look ginormous. Avoid them at all costs.
25. Keep current on everybody’s love lives — ev-ery-bod-y.
26. Encourage your children to date people that you like more than they do.
27. Grocery shopping is best done at midnight.
28. You can never have too many magazine subscriptions
29. Or seasonal decorations
30. Or gallons of milk
31. You are only the age that you feel
xo
jc
approximatelyes.com 
…or gallons of milk. absolutely, in your house!