SO LAST NIGHT I’M SITTING IN MY CAR, parked in my driveway behind my apartment/garage/house thing (I’m not even sure what I’m living in). It was 12:30 a.m. and there was a party in full swing at the house next door. As I’m talking on the phone, a gaggle of freshie girls (I know they’re fresh by their attire and/or hair crimpings) storms outside for a smoke break/gossip session (“No, Austin likes you.” “And then I got this text from him that was like, like, like…”) and started getting dangerously close to my car. The best part was, they didn’t know I was sitting in the car. Also, they were apparently too drunk to notice (!)
Anyhow, the weren’t doing anything seriously wrong other than being A) Loud and 2) RIDICULOUSLY DRAMATIC! So I rolled with it. I mean, I was a Freshman ONCE and I know the debauchery that it entails. But I could sense that something not cool was going to happen, and so kept an eye on the babes and their bitch-asses.
Things were cool until one of the freshie girls, Blondie McBladder, strolled over to MY LAWN (as in, the lawn of my apartment/garage/house thing where I’m currently living and paying rent toward the upkeep of the grasses that surround said living quarters), YANKED DOWN HER SHORTS (two inches of cloth? Can you call them shorts? Judges?) SQUATTED and began to URINATE ON MY LAWN. MY lawn!
My instinct was, of course, to protect my lawn. So I stopped my phone conversation mid-sentence, threw open the car door and…
ME: (to peeing drunk girl) ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THAT RIGHT NOW?!???!
DRUNK GIRL PEEING ON MY LAWN: What! I didn’t know you were in the car!
ME: SERIOUSLY??!
DGPOML: Where’m I supposed to do it?
ME: ON YOUR OWN LAWN!!!! (Points next door to party house)
(DGPOML quickly pulls up “shorts,” and before I could add, “…OR IN A TOILET!!!” she flies away with her gaggle of friends, never to return…yet.)
Three cheers for being assertive. Also, a shout out to my mother for raising me right…
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