Indigo creases stacked straight with hatred because I can’t afford them. Slim waists fold the tasteful cotton tops with tags spendy, I remember my bank account as drained. I wonder when it will all come back.

The house shakes. Jim the mistake-taker has a lot of mistakes to take from here, when he’s not driving his Mercedes-Benz around 21st Street, golfing in Arizona heat. Outside he’d greet me on the sidewalk too often, asking if there was any mistakes for him to take from 604. No, I’d say. I wondered when he’d go away.

I’d flip a page, and every trail slid into it’s disposition: San Francisco in her pearls, Jónsi leaking from sound, Charmin in the bathroom. I smiled. It was all coming and going collectively, amends and fractures like ebb, and flow. Weeks away I’ll be bag-packing the wall scraps and knick knacks I’ve arranged in my place, dismemebering nine months of tacit solitude. It’s gone, everything—and I no longer have to wonder. I’m going away.

Missed Connection

Dear Missed Connection,

Pastrami. That’s what you bought tonight at 7:43, approximately. One-half pound was all that I had left, you took it all. In a Charles Darwin Research Team t-shirt (that you told me your sister bought for you) and relaxed khakis, a neatly trimmed beard and sleek specs, you, Missed Connection, are the perfect nerd. Your eyes are brown, I think, and you wear practical tennis shoes. If you have a naggy, clingy girlfriend, I’m so glad, Missed Connection, that you didn’t bring her shopping with you, as I am hopeful you are also a single nerd.
Please come buy more pastrami soon. I could possibly see myself with you.
Best,
Deli Wench

Why I like you:

1. I can’t have you
B. I don’t need you
iii. I’m not your type
4. You’re not mine
e. I need someone to think about in my spare time
IV. We’ll never, ever be together and I know it.

You’re killing me, man

A rant, a rant, and another rant!

For the sake of making this somewhat organized, I’m just going to number these.

1. Today at the grocery store I work at, I had my 6-month review. I’ve been waiting a long time for this (6 months) because once you’re with the company for half a year, you get a raise (a whole quarter! Twenty-five cents, folks!) In addition to my whopping raise, I had an evaluation with my manager, who’s worked with me for two months. All this was sprung on me when I arrived at work this afternoon.
My manager explained the rating system: A four meant you were really, really awesome, a one meant you were God-awful, etc. “Nobody gets fours except *Roy, and he’s the general manager,” she explained. I wondered what it took to get a four, then prepared myself to see that I hadn’t received any.
We sat down. She pulled out a sheet of paper with numbers and words and several lines filled with handwritings. She then proceeded to run down each category on the front and back side of the paper, explaining her answers to each question.
“I gave you a two for this, which is average…I also gave you a two for this…again, a two…and two again.”
I got a two in every category. Each and every friggin category. Now let me tell you something. My job is not hard, nor is it stressful. I like to go to work most of the time, and I put on a genuine smile when I do my job. I do. I treat customers like gold. I do. I truly try to be the best I can be. I really, really do.
So you can imagine how…grossly unimpressed, slightly offended I was from this report. Just this past month the company gave me a service award (albeit a small award but still)! I mean, I’ve had people ask me what the hell I’m smiling about, and I have to tell them that I’m just… smiling. Frick! Can’t a woman just smile at work? Isn’t that worth a three, even? Really?
I hate to think that all the effort I put in for the company is “average.” So I’m a part-time employee, okay, and I dole out about 16 hours a week. Sure that’s average. But I try—TRY—to make those 16-some hours count to someone—be it a customer, a manager, or even those fricking people that come in and steal the free donuts and coffee. Sure, I’m not *Roy. Does that mean I can’t get his scores? Are those scores reserved for Roy, because he has a shaved head and does a lot of price checks and gets his name in every newsletter and stuff? I sure hope not. And if so, what’s the point? I try to tell myself that they’re just numbers, not even grades, not even important, but they’re bothersome. This is not my career, true, and true, I’ve been with the company for six months. I don’t expect a plaque or a trophy or even a cookie (one of those terrible preservative-packed discs in the bakery section). At least tell me at my review that I’m accomplishing more than “well, you’ve learned to make a few salads, so that’s nice. Hope to have you making a few more.” With “pretty basic” weaknesses such as “not wearing the slicer gloves,” I sure hope I’m worth more than an average-freaking-two.
On the bright side, I made 25¢ more per hour while listening to her tell me these things.
/end/
2. Radio commercials. Nay, the radio in general. Awful.
A friend and I were just talking the other night about the terrible discrimination in this area. He told me about a commercial he heard for a car wash, that made an awful reference to Chinese people. No one notices these things? Turn on your radio.
Since the radio is the only form of noise my car offers, I listen to it more than I’d like. When the DJ’s aren’t being overtly syrupy and loud and OBNOXIOUS (I would love to phone in and tell them this), I am forced to listen to the commercials. I’ve tried to avoid the radio as best I can, but the jingles are ubiquitous. Tonight I turned on the car to hear two bad spots in a row:
a. Pizza place impersonating Italians
b. Soda pop ad impersonating a dude trying to be smooth/pick up women by impersonating a British person. e.g.: “When you’re trying to pick up chicks, use a British accent to look smart…because all British folk are uber intelligent” (paraphrased, but all of this was stated). There was also a bimbo girl voice (my favorite). Bad, bad, and worse.
Maybe just two rants. But I will create a third:
3. It’s flip flop season. Clean your feet.
/end/
*Name changed to protect…the general manager.

One Can Miss Mountains

and pine. One


can dismiss

a whisper’s


revelations

and go on as


before as if

everything were


perfectly fine.

One does. One


loses wonder

among stores


of things.

One can even miss


the basso boom

of the ocean’s


rumpus room

and its rhythm.


A man can leave

this earth


and take nothing

— not even


longing — along

with him.


—Todd Boss

We were somewhere in city limits. It was so exhilarating to drive next to you, to feel that I had youth and beauty and an offset destination, and you were there. As we clipped through the streets, I shifted my neck to catch the piers of windows that flushed the skies. You didn’t slow. We ate steaks and lulled through grocery stores and the floors upon floors of shopping malls, parking ramps. There were lottery tickets, car washes, photographs from a hotel window where we ordered pizza and devoured it while sitting on the floor, before a night folded.
We’d listen to cool music, spray each other with sarcasm and laughter. You made good points and I cleared my mind for them. The shutter was always in motion. I took it for granted.

Winter, chunky boots and rainbows scarves

Summer, bike on the grass, fell on the grass, fell on the grass until stood on the concrete
Fall, new shoes
Summer, dentist yelled for not flossing enough
Spring, frilly socks
Fall, caught a ride to school
Winter, sinister sledding
Fall, fell
Spring, hiked up my skirt
Summer, spit out lake water
Fall, barely made the team
Winter, wiggled up the hill
Summer, followed them wherever they went
Fall, fell further
Spring, the only months with painted nails
Fall, gave in
Winter, went home to a welcome
Spring, carried on
Summer, drove it all away
Fall, made better
Summer, slept it all away
Fall, knew better
Fall, didn’t know better
Winter, contemplated fall
Spring, fell less
Winter, weighed welcome, welcomed spring.