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Repellent

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Ryan Christen After much thought over the perfect Christmas gift for my sister, I finally landed on the perfect one: boyfriend repellent. Now I just need somebody to wrap my industrial-sized self up!

Jenny M Christen

you could only be talking about HBC — i don’t have a boyfriend to repel, and kacy’s married to einstein. maybe you should wrap pork and beans in the box, too!


Ryan Christen

yes, i am, but boyfriends are like mosquitoes. eventually you will need the repellent. fortunately, i’m the gift that keeps on giving.


*HBC is my younger sister that is never boyfriendless and always sassy.

**Pork and Beans are my brother’s turtles.

***Regardless of being “the gift that keeps on giving,” I’m not sure I want my brother further scaring away boys from me.

****It’s the thought that counts.
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How to Kiss
——————
–Keep my mouth clean
–I need to put deodorant on
–Take my time
–Easy does it
–Enjoyed it
–Be yourself
–Take charge
–Put feeling into it
–Wait for the right moment
–Feel a connection

A winter’s day, I am alone

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A winter’s day
In a deep and dark December;
I am alone,
Gazing from my window to the streets below
On a freshly fallen silent shroud of snow.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

I’ve built walls,
A fortress deep and mighty,
That none may penetrate.
I have no need of friendship; friendship causes pain.
It’s laughter and it’s loving I disdain.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

Don’t talk of love,
But I’ve heard the words before;
It’s sleeping in my memory.
I won’t disturb the slumber of feelings that have died.
If I never loved I never would have cried.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

I have my books
And my poetry to protect me;
I am shielded in my armor,
Hiding in my room, safe within my womb.
I touch no one and no one touches me.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

And a rock feels no pain;
And an island never cries.



I feel defeated.
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The worst part about today is, I’m beginning to realize that I’m absolutely addicted to caffeine. I thought this before, but now it’s been affirmed by headaches and desperate tendencies. I can’t and won’t study without it. Knowing that I’d be pulling an all-nighter one evening last week, I went to three places in search of caffeine. The first, McDonald’s, was closed (just when I was finally willing to give them business, they turn me away!) At my second attempt in the Taco Bell drive thru, I learned that my windows were frozen closed, so I was unable to order and drove away in defeat. Then I tried my hand at the M & H gas station up the street and struck it rich: Forty-four (44) ounces of sweet, sweet Diet Coke in a cup that I couldn’t grip with one hand. This beverage lasted me well through the night and into the morning, which by then, was Watered Diet Coke. Success! Headache.

And another thing: my sister is always trying to get me to go to the gym with her! The GYM! I said, “Heidi, really? Are you tryn’a tell me som’thin here?” and she always shakes her head, “Nuh uh!” but I translate, sister. She’s concerned that since I’m not growing any taller (and unfortunately, only getting wider) that it’s time I hit the elliptical. I say that takes TIME and all I got time to do these days is try to find all the bobbie pins that are lost in my hair, then eat caffeine. I KNOW the gym is a great place to meet guys, especially ones with muscles and strong, sweaty egos, but really. Really? Those machines give me headaches and make me feel like I’m working too hard. And who wants to work too hard? Overachievers? Babies? Panda bears? Meat heads in Under Armour with sticks of deodorant strapped to their biceps?

Fail.

Also, when this week is over I’m going to crack open the bottle of wine in the back of my frigerator and drink it through a straw, in my pajamas, while I watch TV and eat applesauce. That’s the plan.