SNOW HAS SETTLED IN ONCE AGAIN, leaving me grounded at home all afternoon. Not to say that I didn’t enjoy spending time with my mom (no work) and brother (no school), ambling around the house in our pajamas—it was fun for a half hour, until I began feeling like a caged animal.
I was reading the Minot Daily this morning (I know) and was drawn to the headline Lawmaker says N.D. governor needs new house. I don’t usually read things like this, but for the sake of hindering myself from banging my head against the wall out of boredom, I decided to scan the article.
As a master of macaroni and cheese eating and connoisseur of key commands, I understand that I am in no position to scrutinize the governor’s “mansion.” I mean what, I live in an apartment on campus. This makes me about as square as a watermelon. But Jim Kasper is reppin’, entitling him to say things I am not qualified to! Jim, could you raise your hand for all the people to see? There he is, folks, a Rep. from Fargo.
I don’t know what ticked me off more about this article, Kasper painting the governor’s mansion as a stable for lawn knomes or his tenacious snubbing of Hoeven’s stable insistence that “the facility that we have is fine.”
This Kasper guy seems to be a big, whiney dude. What is it to him, that Govna H. have a new pad? So what if he went to a party there once and didn’t see any curb appeal in the property, I bet the get-together was classy as hell and he had a sensational evening at worst. He probably got buzzed on delicately aged wine and Lancashire cheese, then talked about important figures and his first-name basis with them (“So George calls me up and says…”). I would like this Kasper man to see where I’ve partied. Run down holes with sketchy couches and posters of Cosmo Kramer for decor, and the guest likenesses of Ron Diaz and Natty Ice. Sure, I didn’t like the places—at their hazard level, drinks might as well have been mixed with bleach—but I didn’t crawl to the pot of gold at the end of North Dakota’s $1B rainbow. “STUDENT SAYS MOORHEAD NEEDS NEW PARTY HOUSES,” the headline would read. “STAT.”
This argument is ludicrous at best, and terrible at worst.
In conclusion, my paraphrasing of the article in a conversation between Kasper and Hoeven:
K: YO GOV’NA you’s gotta git yo’self a new CRIB. Yo’s house is UG-LAY.
H: The facility I have is just fine, yo. Git’ gone.
K: Aww naw naw! You da leada of da great state’a No’ DAKOTA, fool! We’z got da surplus up da YING YING! Can’t have no stank! Spend, ma brotha—SPEND!
H: When we’ve needed to make improvements to it, we’ve raised the money privately, Dawg. Chill.
K: Aww c’mon drop them 3M’s and hook a gov’na UP! I know you gots expensive taste.
H: And I knows you’s annoying as $%@!
K: Thinka’bout the statement ya’all’s making, brotha.
My only question is, with a surplus of $1B, why doesn’t someone propose 635,000 iPhones?
Discuss.
approximatelyes.com 