How Are We Doing?

I’d like to start off by saying, CONGRATULATIONS. You are a wholehearted pain in the hindquarters, and for that, I commend you!

I regret to inform you that despite being a preferred customer, Preferred Customer, visiting our establishment “3-5 times per month” as stated on your comment card does not entitle you to free dessert and/or a meal compensation because your sides came a tad later than you’d expected. In fact, I believe your reward will arrive in 5-10 years in the form of a heart attack (Note: Do not look for this in the mail).

I apologize that you were “refused” these prerogatives by our waitstaff. On the contrary, I ask that you bear in mind, your waitress is earning a server’s wage, is in college, and gets a kick out of kissing your feet so you can leave her your crumpled napkin and soggy pad thai noodles (true on all counts, optional substitution of soggy yakisoba or chinese noodles).

In addition to these statements, I would like to add that not only do I “not know” if you will ever visit again, I do “not care.” As far as I am concerned, you may take your insatiable appetite for grease-infested cuisine elsewhere. Perhaps there are others more willing to serve you a fatty plate of lard AND let you walk all over them. McDonald’s loves to see you smile!

Finally, please tell your husband to speak up next time. Goodness knows he’s well aware you’re not playing with a full deck of cards.

Cordially Yours,

Jasmine Rice

PS: In addition to the heart attack, keep an eye out for a stroke and perhaps Type 2 diabetes. It’s our way of saying, “Thanks!”