Yeah, YOU.

Allow me to introduce myself. I’m the girl sitting next to you trying to do her homework, currently dovetailing three papers. You might remember me from one of those ______ (repulsive adjective here) Mass Communications classes we had together last semester. Then again, you might have been texting during those classes. I don’t know.

I just thought I would point out that you are, currently, surrounded by a lab full of students trying to do their homework. I am not speaking on behalf of these people because they asked me to, but rather because I’m almost certain that your incessant babbling is disturbing their gaming, word processing, and facebooking as well. 

I understand that you probably had a great time last weekend — take a bow sweetie, you got drunk! What I do not understand, however, is why you insist on announcing this (your “whisper” really is a dull roar) to the lab. I’m sure Thirsty Thursday was rough on you, as well as Fucked-Up Friday and Schhhhhwasted Saturday. And who could forget Still Smashed Sunday? Stop it, you’re killin’ me here!

 Also, I understand that you’re dumbfounded as to how your inebriated escapade ended up on the Internet. Let me spell this one out for you: S-L-O-S-H-E-D. Pull some of your flat-ironed hair out of your eyes and take a look at all of the people around you taking snapshots of you hugging the toilet. It all makes so much sense! 

Anyway, I’m still here, trying to finish my papers. I’ll leave you be for now, but next time I hear the sound of your slobbery jaw-popping gum chewing, I’m going to have to tell you to move along; I really don’t care to hear or smell your Winterfresh, and neither does Johnny McStudeous sitting next to me, who I AM speaking on behalf of because he, like, wants to sock you in the face, too! Oh, the irony!

Good luck with your homework! I’m sure it will be smooth sailing after Saturday’s hangover clears up.

Truly Yours,

Computer 27

Mac Lab