It’s very easy here to feel pretty lost. Not only in the sense that it’s a big city, but also because being here has made me feel both more fulfilled and at the same time, directionless. The best analogies to describe this feeling are looking for something in the dark and/or running in water.
The great thing about being here: opportunity. Everywhere. I can’t go out without hearing about/seeing/reading something about someone who is doing something awesome in the area. People here are in it to win it. As my roommate put it to me today, “work hard, play hard.” I can do it!, I thought. Then I went and took a two hour nap.
Maybe I’m thinking about this too much, but the more I think about it, the more I find a rhyme to my confusion. This move came completely out of thin air for me — nowhere was it even in my “five year plan.” By my age (24), the twelve year old version of me thought I’d be telling my children bedtime stories and making a hearty meatloaf for the family dinner by now. I am having such difficulty understanding the derailment of a seemingly engrained life plan. Why am I feeling it especially today? One of my oldest childhood friends got engaged yesterday — and every time it happens, a little word bubble in the back of my mind wonders about my life equation.
The “engrained life plan” I’m talking about is the story I wrote in my head as a child. It’s one that I gathered from my parents, and my grandparents, and just people in general. You go to school, work hard, and make friends. One day one of these friends becomes your husband or wife. Together you settle down and have children and acquire experience and possessions. You grow old. Things repeat with your offspring. Work is sprinkled in there somewhere.
It was that simple. But somewhere along the way, I decided to do things differently, or just at a different pace. And I’ve written about this before, so I won’t repeat myself. The realization always comes when I’m somewhere new, wondering what am I doing?
I don’t know what I’m looking for, but I’m going to find it. One of these days.